Monday, May 08, 2006
adult jokes
Jack was single. He lived in a small flat, which he shared with a pet parrot and a pit bull terrier named spike. When Jack's dishwashing machine broke down, he asked his neighbor Pet, the repairman to come and fix it. “The terrier won't harm you,” said Jack before leaving, "But whatever you do, NEVER SPEAK TO THE PARROT"
Soon after, the parrot started on Pet: "I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp" Pet ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, “so how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?"
Fed up, Pet replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?"
That’s it! Said the parrot, Spike, Get him!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the man in the hospital who's doctor came into his room an said "I have some bad and good news for you". The man said; “What is the bad news? The doctor said; "We need to cut off both your legs”. The man said, “What is the good news”. The doctor answered, “The man in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment. Steve had a business commitment out of town that weekend and so I and my three brothers all chipped in to help his wife move the furniture. The new apartment was on the third floor. We hauled everything up the three flights of stairs and around the tight corner through the kitchen put them where they belonged.
Finally, we came to the large couch. After hauling it up three flights to the top of the stairs, we discovered it would not go around the corner through the kitchen. We took it back out into the hall and turned it and tried again. It still wouldn't fit.
Finally all of us boosted the couch from the back of the truck up the side of the building. From the third floor, we passed the couch up and over the railing of the tiny balcony and in through the sliding doors into the living room. We all collapsed on the couch to catch our breath and made a pact that we would not tell Steve how we got the couch into the apartment. "The next time he moves," we conspired, "he will have to figure out how to get the couch out of there on his own. It will be our little secret. He will have to take a saw to it!"
As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked better about three months later. It really was a busy weekend at work, and none of us were available to help move. We waited eagerly to hear from Steve but there was nothing. Finally, after several days of waiting, I asked Steve, "So, did you get everything moved OK?"
"Sure," he replied.
"Did you run into any problems?"
"No."
"Now, wait a minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside of the building and haul it over the railing! How did you get it out of the living room? It didn't fit through the kitchen!"
Steve looked at me with total disbelief and said, "Geez, you idiots, the legs unscrew!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Real Groaner At The Wedding
A very nervous bride went to the minister and told him that she did not think that she would be able to get through the wedding ceremony. The minister, trying to calm her down, told her that she really had nothing to worry about.
"You only have three things to do. Walk down the aisle, stand at the altar and say 'I do' when I ask you the question and then listen for the hymn that closes the ceremony. That's all there is to it."
The nervous bride took the minister's advice and shortened it to a simple mantra that she kept repeating over and over to keep herself calm.
What her groom heard as his bride walked down the aisle was her repeating "Aisle, Altar, Hymn". (I'll alter him.)
---------------------------------------------------------------
A truck driver, who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: "I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation."
Trucker: "Yeah, I feel really sick."
Assessor: "All right then, does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?"
Trucker: "Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job."
Assessor: "And what about the cabin in which you drive?"
Trucker: "Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined."
Assessor: "What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?"
Trucker: "Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead."
Assessor: "Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container."
Trucker: "Yeah, that’s right. All lead."
Assessor: "Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning."
Trucker: "I'm not suing for radiation poison. I claiming for lead poisoning!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra-large condoms. He replies, " Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
-------------------------------------------------------
Alllleee-oop!
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf...he's BLIND!"
----------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that there must be something wrong with himself. He says that everytime he has sex he feels very peculiar. The doctor says to him, "Tell me about it." The man begins by saying, "Well, when I begin to have sex and I get it in. about this far (spreads his two fingers about an inch apart) I start to feel a little queasy. When I get it in about this far (spreads his two fingers about an inch and a half apart), I start to get a little shaky and my body begins to quiver. And when I get it in about this far (spreads his two fingers about 2 inches apart), I break out in a cold sweat, my body is shaking and I can hardly breathe." The doctor says, "Well that is very strange, take it out and let me look at it." The man slowly sticks his tongue out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Nude Painter
A woman requested a blonde painter to paint her in the nude. "No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.
"I'll increase your fee two times," she said.
"No, no thanks!!"
"I'll give five times as much as you normaly get."
Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Smart kid.
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course.
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says.
"But you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait o see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?"
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' S.O.B!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy".
--------------------------------------------------------------
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing straight, with a 5lb potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute. Relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10lb potato sacks, and then to 20lb potato sacks. And eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a minute. After you feel confident at this level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
--------------------------------------------------------------
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I
don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all
at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good
Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and
he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one
customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each
day before ordering.
One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be
made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she
marked out the ham and eggs entry.
Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes,
the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you notice
that I scratched something you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well,
would you mind washing your hands before you bring me my ham
and eggs?"
_____________________________________________________________
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a
Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install
them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are
"not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy
slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a
Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks
appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work,
and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to
format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for
the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero
instituted a new game. The players would take those little
disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture,
and see who could get the most distance rolling them across
the floor.
They were the first roller coasters. Back in those days, the
disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk
would roll the farthest.
They called them ferrous wheels.
_____________________________________________________________
Soon after, the parrot started on Pet: "I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp" Pet ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, “so how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?"
Fed up, Pet replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?"
That’s it! Said the parrot, Spike, Get him!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the man in the hospital who's doctor came into his room an said "I have some bad and good news for you". The man said; “What is the bad news? The doctor said; "We need to cut off both your legs”. The man said, “What is the good news”. The doctor answered, “The man in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment. Steve had a business commitment out of town that weekend and so I and my three brothers all chipped in to help his wife move the furniture. The new apartment was on the third floor. We hauled everything up the three flights of stairs and around the tight corner through the kitchen put them where they belonged.
Finally, we came to the large couch. After hauling it up three flights to the top of the stairs, we discovered it would not go around the corner through the kitchen. We took it back out into the hall and turned it and tried again. It still wouldn't fit.
Finally all of us boosted the couch from the back of the truck up the side of the building. From the third floor, we passed the couch up and over the railing of the tiny balcony and in through the sliding doors into the living room. We all collapsed on the couch to catch our breath and made a pact that we would not tell Steve how we got the couch into the apartment. "The next time he moves," we conspired, "he will have to figure out how to get the couch out of there on his own. It will be our little secret. He will have to take a saw to it!"
As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked better about three months later. It really was a busy weekend at work, and none of us were available to help move. We waited eagerly to hear from Steve but there was nothing. Finally, after several days of waiting, I asked Steve, "So, did you get everything moved OK?"
"Sure," he replied.
"Did you run into any problems?"
"No."
"Now, wait a minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside of the building and haul it over the railing! How did you get it out of the living room? It didn't fit through the kitchen!"
Steve looked at me with total disbelief and said, "Geez, you idiots, the legs unscrew!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Real Groaner At The Wedding
A very nervous bride went to the minister and told him that she did not think that she would be able to get through the wedding ceremony. The minister, trying to calm her down, told her that she really had nothing to worry about.
"You only have three things to do. Walk down the aisle, stand at the altar and say 'I do' when I ask you the question and then listen for the hymn that closes the ceremony. That's all there is to it."
The nervous bride took the minister's advice and shortened it to a simple mantra that she kept repeating over and over to keep herself calm.
What her groom heard as his bride walked down the aisle was her repeating "Aisle, Altar, Hymn". (I'll alter him.)
---------------------------------------------------------------
A truck driver, who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: "I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation."
Trucker: "Yeah, I feel really sick."
Assessor: "All right then, does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?"
Trucker: "Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job."
Assessor: "And what about the cabin in which you drive?"
Trucker: "Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined."
Assessor: "What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?"
Trucker: "Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead."
Assessor: "Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container."
Trucker: "Yeah, that’s right. All lead."
Assessor: "Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning."
Trucker: "I'm not suing for radiation poison. I claiming for lead poisoning!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra-large condoms. He replies, " Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
-------------------------------------------------------
Alllleee-oop!
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf...he's BLIND!"
----------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that there must be something wrong with himself. He says that everytime he has sex he feels very peculiar. The doctor says to him, "Tell me about it." The man begins by saying, "Well, when I begin to have sex and I get it in. about this far (spreads his two fingers about an inch apart) I start to feel a little queasy. When I get it in about this far (spreads his two fingers about an inch and a half apart), I start to get a little shaky and my body begins to quiver. And when I get it in about this far (spreads his two fingers about 2 inches apart), I break out in a cold sweat, my body is shaking and I can hardly breathe." The doctor says, "Well that is very strange, take it out and let me look at it." The man slowly sticks his tongue out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Nude Painter
A woman requested a blonde painter to paint her in the nude. "No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.
"I'll increase your fee two times," she said.
"No, no thanks!!"
"I'll give five times as much as you normaly get."
Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Smart kid.
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course.
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says.
"But you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money.
The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait o see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?"
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' S.O.B!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy".
--------------------------------------------------------------
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing straight, with a 5lb potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute. Relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10lb potato sacks, and then to 20lb potato sacks. And eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a minute. After you feel confident at this level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
--------------------------------------------------------------
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I
don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all
at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good
Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and
he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one
customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each
day before ordering.
One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be
made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she
marked out the ham and eggs entry.
Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes,
the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you notice
that I scratched something you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well,
would you mind washing your hands before you bring me my ham
and eggs?"
_____________________________________________________________
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a
Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install
them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are
"not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy
slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't
initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a
Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks
appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work,
and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to
format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for
the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero
instituted a new game. The players would take those little
disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture,
and see who could get the most distance rolling them across
the floor.
They were the first roller coasters. Back in those days, the
disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk
would roll the farthest.
They called them ferrous wheels.
_____________________________________________________________
