Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Jokes
Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic
bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and
striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled.
"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow
with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton.
***
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout
at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the
door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling
him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over
and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next
day... they mean it!"
***
[I stole this one from TZ. Yeah, I was surprised to find some-
thing funny in his newsletter, too.]
Okay, this is pretty fun. It's one of those "draw a picture
and we'll tell you how screwed up you are" things, so don't
cheat and scroll down until you've followed the instructions.
The Pig Test
You only one minute, a pen and a sheet of paper.
1 Take a clean sheet of paper and draw a pig on it.
2 Don't look at the results before you have drawn the pig.
3 DON'T PEEK AT RESULTS BEFORE YOU HAVE FINISHED DRAWING
THE PIG!
Okay, are you ready? Oink, let's start. Scroll to the bottom
for the results.
------------------------------------------------------------
Pig Test Results
If you have drawn a lot of details you are analytical, patient
and suspicious.
If you have not wasted time on details, you are broad minded,
sentimental, even gullible, not too systematic and take a lot
of risks.
If you drew less than 4 legs you are in an insecure stage of
life, or your entire life is in constant upheaval.
If you drew 4 legs, you are self confident, stubborn and hold
on to your plans.
If you drew more than 4 legs, you are an idiot.
The size of the pigs ears tells about your ability to listen
to other people---the bigger the better...
And finally the pig's tail should tell you something about
your sex life, once again the bigger and more curled, the...
what, forgot the tail? No, it's absolutely impossible to do
the test again.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and
wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of
them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if
they wouldn't mind taking a picture of me.
"Oh, sorry," the man answered, "but we only have two pictures
left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge."
_____________________________________________________________
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved
auctions; whle his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled,
'Fore!'
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat,
yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'
***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So
I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there
that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained
professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet?"
------------------------------------------------------------
work in the Toy Department at a Walmart, and one day I was
asked to do a price check. The cashier explained to me that
a customer wanted to buy some puzzles, priced at 4 for $5.00,
but they were ringing up at $1.25 a piece. Apparently neither
the customer nor the cashier ever made it through sixth grade
math.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the
adders refused to obey God's command and go forth and
multiply.
"Well," said Noah. "I'll have to ask the Lord what to do
about that." And so he prayed to God and said, "These
snakes won't go forth and multiply"
And God said, "Don't worry. Find some the trees and saw
them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four
legs. Then put the snakes on the platform."
"But how will that help the snakes?" asked Noah.
"Easy," replied God, "Everyone knows even adders can
multiply using a log table!"
_____________________________________________________________
When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the
problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt,
decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.
Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed
a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he'd found
inside the dryer. He didn't know where it belonged, but he
confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out
once he got into the job.
"I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire
you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your
wife's bra."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Vintners in the Napa Valley who produce primarily Pinot
Blancs and Pinot Grigios have developed a new hybrid grape,
which acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number
of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during
the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.
_____________________________________________________________
My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me.
But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I
tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision.
Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything
in the store for men?"
"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
The other day while driving home, after beng delayed at my
office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for
a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home
to be with my wife on our first anniversary.
But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went
ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said,
"Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?"
_____________________________________________________________
NEW JOB
Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, how- ever, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BAD NEWS : GOOD NEWS : GREAT NEWS
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUICK JOKE
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free", here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a
little sausage.
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-
PLAYING WITH WORDS
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a_____
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UK COMMENTATORS
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a
male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage
remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each
other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some
weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do
it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance
he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice
on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice
earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner
Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest
finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony
McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between
his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil
Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v
Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you
on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix,
asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the
backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt
much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's
breath away, "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent
erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys
prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have
four or five dreams a night about coming from different
positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on
Time Team Live> said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get
it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised
me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing
so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold
Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot,
his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my
god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge
President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a
ovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New ZealandRugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it
when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning
and it was amazing!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The
old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was
very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25
between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We
had over $100 when we broke in!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Setting off the alarm while passing through a metal detector
at McCarran Intl. Airport in Las Vegas, a blonde traveler was
asked by a security agent if she had any change.
"Gee," the blonde says, turning towards her husband, I told
you we should of gone to Florida instead.....everyone here
expects to be tipped."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife
decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then
remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen.
Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.
She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps.
She realized at once that it was the milkman since the
arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen.
So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made
it just in time.
The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the
man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.
For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, "Sorry, I
was expecting the milkman."
_____________________________________________________________
NEW YORK DRIVING
Jill had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in, and told the cabbie the address she needed. The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver, and Jill sat in the backseat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Jill watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
Jill looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.
"Driver," Jill screamed, "Are you crazy? Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax, Lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close your eyes."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OFENDED
Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.
One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started "venting." "All lawyers are jerks," he loudly proclaimed.
Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him.
"Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."
"Why is that-are you a lawyer?" he asked.
"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT
to put on a resume.
* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
* "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain store."
* "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
* "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer
science, curses in accounting."
* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
* "I am a rabid typist."
* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."
* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
* "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely
nothing and absolutely no one."
* "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind
me."
* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously,
they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage."
* "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free
to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
* "Qualifications: No education or experience."
* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
* Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my
head!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the
employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to
work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.
If I was on time, I was compulsive."
_____________________________________________________________
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back
was really sore from moving furniture.
"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone
asked.
"I could have," my mother told the group," but the couch is
easier to move if he's not on it."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to
never completely disrobe in front of her husband when
retiring for decorum's sake. One night, six weeks after
the wedding, the husband said to his bride, "Is there any
insanity in your family?"
"Why, no," she said. "Why do you ask?"
"I was merely wondering," said he, "why you haven't taken
your hat off since we've been married?"
_____________________________________________________________
While in the Navy my primary duty was to sight guns. Wanting
to move up in the military, I went to law school and applied
for the Judge Advocate General's Corps. My hopes of being a
Navy lawyer were shot down, however, when I was rejected. It
seems I suffered from poor vision.
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store.
On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with
the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern
to him about our safety, being two women working alone at
night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you
see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan
knows karaoke."
_____________________________________________________________
DINING OUT
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MLM FAQ
The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
Let's begin:
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners. --Join every free banner exchange. --Get your own free-for-all links page. --Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title. --Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites. --Hire a bulk emailer. --Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and
striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled.
"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow
with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton.
***
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout
at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the
door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling
him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over
and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next
day... they mean it!"
***
[I stole this one from TZ. Yeah, I was surprised to find some-
thing funny in his newsletter, too.]
Okay, this is pretty fun. It's one of those "draw a picture
and we'll tell you how screwed up you are" things, so don't
cheat and scroll down until you've followed the instructions.
The Pig Test
You only one minute, a pen and a sheet of paper.
1 Take a clean sheet of paper and draw a pig on it.
2 Don't look at the results before you have drawn the pig.
3 DON'T PEEK AT RESULTS BEFORE YOU HAVE FINISHED DRAWING
THE PIG!
Okay, are you ready? Oink, let's start. Scroll to the bottom
for the results.
------------------------------------------------------------
Pig Test Results
If you have drawn a lot of details you are analytical, patient
and suspicious.
If you have not wasted time on details, you are broad minded,
sentimental, even gullible, not too systematic and take a lot
of risks.
If you drew less than 4 legs you are in an insecure stage of
life, or your entire life is in constant upheaval.
If you drew 4 legs, you are self confident, stubborn and hold
on to your plans.
If you drew more than 4 legs, you are an idiot.
The size of the pigs ears tells about your ability to listen
to other people---the bigger the better...
And finally the pig's tail should tell you something about
your sex life, once again the bigger and more curled, the...
what, forgot the tail? No, it's absolutely impossible to do
the test again.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and
wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of
them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if
they wouldn't mind taking a picture of me.
"Oh, sorry," the man answered, "but we only have two pictures
left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge."
_____________________________________________________________
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved
auctions; whle his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled,
'Fore!'
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat,
yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'
***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So
I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there
that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained
professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet?"
------------------------------------------------------------
work in the Toy Department at a Walmart, and one day I was
asked to do a price check. The cashier explained to me that
a customer wanted to buy some puzzles, priced at 4 for $5.00,
but they were ringing up at $1.25 a piece. Apparently neither
the customer nor the cashier ever made it through sixth grade
math.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the
adders refused to obey God's command and go forth and
multiply.
"Well," said Noah. "I'll have to ask the Lord what to do
about that." And so he prayed to God and said, "These
snakes won't go forth and multiply"
And God said, "Don't worry. Find some the trees and saw
them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four
legs. Then put the snakes on the platform."
"But how will that help the snakes?" asked Noah.
"Easy," replied God, "Everyone knows even adders can
multiply using a log table!"
_____________________________________________________________
When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the
problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt,
decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.
Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed
a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he'd found
inside the dryer. He didn't know where it belonged, but he
confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out
once he got into the job.
"I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire
you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your
wife's bra."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Vintners in the Napa Valley who produce primarily Pinot
Blancs and Pinot Grigios have developed a new hybrid grape,
which acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number
of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during
the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.
_____________________________________________________________
My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me.
But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I
tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision.
Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything
in the store for men?"
"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
The other day while driving home, after beng delayed at my
office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for
a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home
to be with my wife on our first anniversary.
But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went
ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said,
"Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?"
_____________________________________________________________
NEW JOB
Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, how- ever, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BAD NEWS : GOOD NEWS : GREAT NEWS
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUICK JOKE
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free", here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a
little sausage.
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-
PLAYING WITH WORDS
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a_____
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UK COMMENTATORS
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a
male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage
remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each
other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some
weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do
it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance
he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice
on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice
earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner
Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest
finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony
McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between
his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil
Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v
Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you
on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix,
asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the
backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt
much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's
breath away, "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent
erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys
prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have
four or five dreams a night about coming from different
positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on
Time Team Live> said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get
it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised
me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing
so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold
Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot,
his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my
god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge
President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a
ovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New ZealandRugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it
when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning
and it was amazing!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The
old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was
very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25
between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We
had over $100 when we broke in!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Setting off the alarm while passing through a metal detector
at McCarran Intl. Airport in Las Vegas, a blonde traveler was
asked by a security agent if she had any change.
"Gee," the blonde says, turning towards her husband, I told
you we should of gone to Florida instead.....everyone here
expects to be tipped."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife
decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then
remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen.
Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.
She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps.
She realized at once that it was the milkman since the
arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen.
So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made
it just in time.
The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the
man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.
For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, "Sorry, I
was expecting the milkman."
_____________________________________________________________
NEW YORK DRIVING
Jill had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in, and told the cabbie the address she needed. The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver, and Jill sat in the backseat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Jill watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
Jill looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.
"Driver," Jill screamed, "Are you crazy? Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax, Lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close your eyes."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OFENDED
Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.
One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started "venting." "All lawyers are jerks," he loudly proclaimed.
Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him.
"Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."
"Why is that-are you a lawyer?" he asked.
"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT
to put on a resume.
* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
* "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain store."
* "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
* "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer
science, curses in accounting."
* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
* "I am a rabid typist."
* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."
* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
* "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely
nothing and absolutely no one."
* "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind
me."
* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously,
they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage."
* "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free
to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
* "Qualifications: No education or experience."
* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
* Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my
head!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the
employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to
work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.
If I was on time, I was compulsive."
_____________________________________________________________
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back
was really sore from moving furniture.
"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone
asked.
"I could have," my mother told the group," but the couch is
easier to move if he's not on it."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to
never completely disrobe in front of her husband when
retiring for decorum's sake. One night, six weeks after
the wedding, the husband said to his bride, "Is there any
insanity in your family?"
"Why, no," she said. "Why do you ask?"
"I was merely wondering," said he, "why you haven't taken
your hat off since we've been married?"
_____________________________________________________________
While in the Navy my primary duty was to sight guns. Wanting
to move up in the military, I went to law school and applied
for the Judge Advocate General's Corps. My hopes of being a
Navy lawyer were shot down, however, when I was rejected. It
seems I suffered from poor vision.
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store.
On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with
the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern
to him about our safety, being two women working alone at
night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you
see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan
knows karaoke."
_____________________________________________________________
DINING OUT
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MLM FAQ
The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
Let's begin:
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners. --Join every free banner exchange. --Get your own free-for-all links page. --Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title. --Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites. --Hire a bulk emailer. --Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
# posted by plainsay @ 3:56 PM 
