Musings

A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible
release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I
am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every
damn window in this place." Obviously, his release was denied.

Six months later, the board was again considering his release and
again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am
going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn
window in this place" Again, he was turned down.

Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that
he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what
he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient
said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You
have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some
advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."

So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would
do if they let him out. But this time he was ready. He said, "I
am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."'

"Good," they said, and then what?"
He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then
what"? "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going
to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her
dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the
bed." "Yes?", the board said excitedly. "Then I am going to
gently remove her panties," he continued. The board members were
really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to
do?"

He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties,
make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn
window in this place!"
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One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked
her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit.
However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her
dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters
worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought
to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm
not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license
dues and everything!"

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side
right behind hercar. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly
rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew
she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and
spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head,
meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing
sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that
your horn is stuck."
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What Am I

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop
them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before
the eleven o'clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the
small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments.
He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the
children at their story time. He said the subject was the
Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk
about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room
and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story
time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart
and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was
to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals
and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things
that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that
they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up
in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to
the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the
shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor
said," Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to
the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a
shrug" I guess you must be a sheep dog."
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True story:
A few weeks ago I was at the train station where I had bought
myself a bottle of water a packet of biscuits and a magazine. I
went to sit down on the wooden bench on the platform to wait for
the train. While I was waiting a man sat down near me. And he
started eating my biscuits. Well I was quite disturbed about this
but wasn't sure whether to say anything to him. I then started to
get annoyed about it and decided to eat them as well. I ate one,
he ate one, I ate one and he ate one till we reached the last one
then he quickly ate it and picked up the empty packet and threw it
in the bin and walked away.
Well just at that point the train arrived on the platform so
nothing could be done about it. I picked up my bottle of water and
my magazine and there lying underneath the magazine was the packet
of biscuits I had bought.
I had been eating the man's biscuits!!!!!
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Got Any Gwapes?

A little duck walks into a bar one day. He saunters up to the
bartender and asks, "Got any gwapes?"

"Nope, sorry," says the bartender. The duck walks out,
disappointed.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks, "Got
any gwapes?"

"I already told you, no, I don't!" says the bartender angrily.
The duck leaves, again disappointed.

The day after that, the duck walks in again and says, "Got any
gwapes?"

"No! I do not have any grapes! If you come in here one more time
asking for grapes I'll nail your feet to the floor!"

The next day, the duck waddles into the bar. The bartender eyes
him suspiciously. "Got any nails?" the duck asks.

"No, why?" the bartender asks.

"Got any gwapes?"



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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

It takes only one, but he has to give it a good twist.

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DEATH BED

As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."

Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."

They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."

Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."

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SOME THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

--Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what's this?

--Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.

--Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

--Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

--Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

--What's this doing here?

--I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

--Somebody call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.

--I sure wish I had my glasses.

--Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

--Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

--Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean enough.

--What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!

--Anyone see where I left my scalpel?

--Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

--What do you mean you want a divorce?!
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Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."

"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."

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GOING TO SINGAPORE

One day Anil and Sunil decided to fly to Singapore, but all the good window seats were taken. When they got on board the plane, they found two blondes sitting in window seats. Sunil asked the blondes if they could switch seats, but the blondes declined.

"Watch this," says Anil, and he walks up to the blondes and whispers in their ears. Immediately the blondes get up and sit in middle seats.

"What did you tell them?" Sunil asks Anil.

"It was simple," says Anil. "I just told them only the middle seats were going to Singapore."

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TRUE STORY

In 1963 John Kennedy electrified the whole of Germany when, in his historic speech at the Berlin wall, he proclaimed, "Ich bin ein Berliner."

He was showing solidarity with the German people who were divided, in the very heart of Berlin, by the wall built by the Communists.

What JFK meant to say is, "I am a Berliner." Or, in other words, a citizen of Berlin.

What the actual translation of this line, that he delivered in front of tens of thousands of Germans, is, "I am a jelly donut."

The huge crowd, after a second of shock, instinctively knew what he meant and gave him a deafening cheer anyway.

Those goofy Americans. Don't have the first clue, but they seem to mean well.
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An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem
of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniver-
sary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that
florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to
his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed,
"Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all
went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came
home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers,
honey. Where'd you get them?"


*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had
been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow
their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that
for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've
never heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

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A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the
day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.

"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that
a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and
have them clipped in the evening."


*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case
which read, "Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was
flustered and at her wit's end.

At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened
up as she typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods."

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"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. "Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"

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SNAKE MANUAL

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda.

Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.

This is what the manual said:

1.If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2.Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.

3.Tuck your chin in.

4.The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5.Do not panic.

6.After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.

7.The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8.When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9.Be sure you have your knife.

10.Be sure your knife is sharp.

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NEGOTIATOR

A big time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and equally expensive and even faster women paraded through his head. "Fish," he finally exclaimed, "give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."

"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."

The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."

"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.

Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said, "All right fish, you win, three wishes."

Unfortunately, the fish was dead.
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When my daughter was 5,and in Kindergarden, her and I were riding my horse together across the field when all of a sudden a Jack Rabbit popped up and took off running, and I said "Oh look",there goes a Jack rabbit and my daughter says to me, "No mama"! Thats a Brown rabbit. And I said, "no, that's a Jack rabbit, then she says to me "Mama, I know! cause I'm in school and you're not".

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BLONDE BUSINESS

There were 4 blondes. They decided to start a business. They had a lot of discussion on the type of business and finally decided to start an autogarage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and manpower. They waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for 1 day, 2 days, a week but no car came to their garage.

WHY? - Because their garage was on the second floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a cab and began to look for passengers. They drove past round and round but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to the airport yet nobody hailed their taxi. They even drove to country, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around but alas no one hailed their taxi.

WHY? - Because all the four blondes were sitting in the taxi.

Now all the 4 blondes were very disappointed with their fate and decided to push their taxi into the sea. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for a while and started to push again. The taxi just wouldn't move.

WHY? - Because 2 blondes were pushing from the front and two from behind

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RABBIT RAISING

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits.

None could be found.

Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.

He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.

The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame."
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