Musings

ENGLISH for TOURISTS

Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE
CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS
UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS
RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED
DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID
RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER;
ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY
PEOPLE'S FASHION."

Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND
COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."

From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION
OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS.
THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST
VISIT TO MOSCOW, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."

A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND
THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
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Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in
the city.

One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"

"Two days ago."

"Hm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May,
he'll be an engineer."

"What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about
him!"

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOM WHEN...

* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and
you don't care.

* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a
room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to
call you, and you run around the house madly, following the
sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry
basket.

* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a
child leaking bodily fluids on you.

* Popsicle's become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of
what body part it happens to be on.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill
your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on
YOU!

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make
sure they're equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep,
drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed
to gain 10 pounds.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

Q: What do pirates from India call their flag?
A: The Jolly Raja


Q: What happened when the gardener accidentally sprayed his
spice garden with herbicide instead of pesticide?
A: He ended up just killing thyme.

_____________________________________________________________
Our company offers a bonus award for employee ideas that
improve safety, quality or performance. A co-worker noticed
there was a power switch suspended 16 feet over our machinery.
He suggested that a chain be attached to the switch, allowing
it to be pulled for quick shut-off in an emergency.

The suggestion went through channels and was rejected. One
reason given was that "the chain might be pushed up one day,
accidentally turning the power switch on."


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just
finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she
had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go
down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of
36-C bras.

He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon
hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?"

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked,
"Would you like two Playtex?"

He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin
fur me up in the room."

_____________________________________________________________
Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone,
I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach
it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my
mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the
living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd
so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the
side of her head and speaking into them.

"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started
ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid
clip!"

[Reader's Digest.]


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the
secret I told you not to tell her."

"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that
she told me."

_____________________________________________________________
A professor at the Michigan State University was known for
giving boring, cliche-ridden lectures.

At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class
breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball
plays to each hackneyed phrase.

For example, when the professor said, "On the other hand,"
that counted as a base hit. "By the same token" was a
strike out; "and so on" counted as a stolen base. Divided
into two teams by the center aisle of the lecture hall,
the students played inning after inning of silent but
vigorous baseball.

On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score
was tied and bases were loaded. Then the batter hit a home
run! The winning team stood and cheered wildly.

Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted
as wondering why only half of the students had been
enthusiastic about his lectures.


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man
took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the
chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one
inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine
man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended but the malady
lingers on."

_____________________________________________________________
When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone
asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a
sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and
summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it
was a joke.

"So what do you do?" she asked.

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell
drugs."

[Submitted to Reader's Digest.]


*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

Q: In a game of poker, what hand is the favorite with
Jermaine, Jackie, Michael, Marlon and Tito?

A: Jacks and Fives.

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