Tuesday, March 28, 2006
New jokes
ENGLISH for TOURISTS
Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE
CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS
UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS
RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED
DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID
RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER;
ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY
PEOPLE'S FASHION."
Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND
COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."
From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION
OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS.
THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST
VISIT TO MOSCOW, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."
A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND
THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in
the city.
One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"
"Two days ago."
"Hm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May,
he'll be an engineer."
"What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about
him!"
_____________________________________________________________
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOM WHEN...
* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and
you don't care.
* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a
room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to
call you, and you run around the house madly, following the
sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry
basket.
* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a
child leaking bodily fluids on you.
* Popsicle's become a food staple.
* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of
what body part it happens to be on.
* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill
your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on
YOU!
* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make
sure they're equal.
* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
* Your kid throws up and you catch it.
* You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep,
drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed
to gain 10 pounds.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Q: What do pirates from India call their flag?
A: The Jolly Raja
Q: What happened when the gardener accidentally sprayed his
spice garden with herbicide instead of pesticide?
A: He ended up just killing thyme.
_____________________________________________________________
Our company offers a bonus award for employee ideas that
improve safety, quality or performance. A co-worker noticed
there was a power switch suspended 16 feet over our machinery.
He suggested that a chain be attached to the switch, allowing
it to be pulled for quick shut-off in an emergency.
The suggestion went through channels and was rejected. One
reason given was that "the chain might be pushed up one day,
accidentally turning the power switch on."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just
finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she
had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go
down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of
36-C bras.
He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon
hat and went to the shop.
The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?"
When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked,
"Would you like two Playtex?"
He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin
fur me up in the room."
_____________________________________________________________
Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone,
I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach
it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my
mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the
living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd
so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the
side of her head and speaking into them.
"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started
ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid
clip!"
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the
secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that
she told me."
_____________________________________________________________
A professor at the Michigan State University was known for
giving boring, cliche-ridden lectures.
At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class
breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball
plays to each hackneyed phrase.
For example, when the professor said, "On the other hand,"
that counted as a base hit. "By the same token" was a
strike out; "and so on" counted as a stolen base. Divided
into two teams by the center aisle of the lecture hall,
the students played inning after inning of silent but
vigorous baseball.
On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score
was tied and bases were loaded. Then the batter hit a home
run! The winning team stood and cheered wildly.
Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted
as wondering why only half of the students had been
enthusiastic about his lectures.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man
took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the
chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one
inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine
man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended but the malady
lingers on."
_____________________________________________________________
When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone
asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a
sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."
Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and
summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it
was a joke.
"So what do you do?" she asked.
Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell
drugs."
[Submitted to Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Q: In a game of poker, what hand is the favorite with
Jermaine, Jackie, Michael, Marlon and Tito?
A: Jacks and Fives.
_____________________________________________________________
Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE
CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS
UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE
CHAMBERMAID."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS
RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED
DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID
RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER;
ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY
PEOPLE'S FASHION."
Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND
COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."
From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION
OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS.
THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST
VISIT TO MOSCOW, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."
A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND
THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in
the city.
One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"
"Two days ago."
"Hm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May,
he'll be an engineer."
"What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about
him!"
_____________________________________________________________
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOM WHEN...
* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor--and
you don't care.
* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a
room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.
* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to
call you, and you run around the house madly, following the
sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry
basket.
* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a
child leaking bodily fluids on you.
* Popsicle's become a food staple.
* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of
what body part it happens to be on.
* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill
your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on
YOU!
* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make
sure they're equal.
* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
* Your kid throws up and you catch it.
* You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep,
drink or go to the bathroom, and yet... you still managed
to gain 10 pounds.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Q: What do pirates from India call their flag?
A: The Jolly Raja
Q: What happened when the gardener accidentally sprayed his
spice garden with herbicide instead of pesticide?
A: He ended up just killing thyme.
_____________________________________________________________
Our company offers a bonus award for employee ideas that
improve safety, quality or performance. A co-worker noticed
there was a power switch suspended 16 feet over our machinery.
He suggested that a chain be attached to the switch, allowing
it to be pulled for quick shut-off in an emergency.
The suggestion went through channels and was rejected. One
reason given was that "the chain might be pushed up one day,
accidentally turning the power switch on."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just
finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she
had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go
down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of
36-C bras.
He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon
hat and went to the shop.
The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?"
When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked,
"Would you like two Playtex?"
He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin
fur me up in the room."
_____________________________________________________________
Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone,
I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach
it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my
mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the
living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd
so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the
side of her head and speaking into them.
"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started
ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid
clip!"
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the
secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell
you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that
she told me."
_____________________________________________________________
A professor at the Michigan State University was known for
giving boring, cliche-ridden lectures.
At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class
breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball
plays to each hackneyed phrase.
For example, when the professor said, "On the other hand,"
that counted as a base hit. "By the same token" was a
strike out; "and so on" counted as a stolen base. Divided
into two teams by the center aisle of the lecture hall,
the students played inning after inning of silent but
vigorous baseball.
On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score
was tied and bases were loaded. Then the batter hit a home
run! The winning team stood and cheered wildly.
Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted
as wondering why only half of the students had been
enthusiastic about his lectures.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man
took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the
chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one
inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine
man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief
shrugged and said, "The thong is ended but the malady
lingers on."
_____________________________________________________________
When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone
asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a
sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."
Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and
summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it
was a joke.
"So what do you do?" she asked.
Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell
drugs."
[Submitted to Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Q: In a game of poker, what hand is the favorite with
Jermaine, Jackie, Michael, Marlon and Tito?
A: Jacks and Fives.
_____________________________________________________________
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Jokes
A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible
release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I
am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every
damn window in this place." Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and
again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am
going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn
window in this place" Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that
he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what
he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient
said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You
have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some
advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would
do if they let him out. But this time he was ready. He said, "I
am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."'
"Good," they said, and then what?"
He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then
what"? "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going
to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her
dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the
bed." "Yes?", the board said excitedly. "Then I am going to
gently remove her panties," he continued. The board members were
really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to
do?"
He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties,
make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn
window in this place!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked
her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit.
However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her
dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters
worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought
to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm
not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license
dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side
right behind hercar. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly
rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew
she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and
spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head,
meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing
sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that
your horn is stuck."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What Am I
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop
them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before
the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the
small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments.
He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the
children at their story time. He said the subject was the
Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk
about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room
and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story
time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart
and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was
to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals
and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things
that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that
they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up
in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to
the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the
shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor
said," Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to
the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a
shrug" I guess you must be a sheep dog."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
True story:
A few weeks ago I was at the train station where I had bought
myself a bottle of water a packet of biscuits and a magazine. I
went to sit down on the wooden bench on the platform to wait for
the train. While I was waiting a man sat down near me. And he
started eating my biscuits. Well I was quite disturbed about this
but wasn't sure whether to say anything to him. I then started to
get annoyed about it and decided to eat them as well. I ate one,
he ate one, I ate one and he ate one till we reached the last one
then he quickly ate it and picked up the empty packet and threw it
in the bin and walked away.
Well just at that point the train arrived on the platform so
nothing could be done about it. I picked up my bottle of water and
my magazine and there lying underneath the magazine was the packet
of biscuits I had bought.
I had been eating the man's biscuits!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Got Any Gwapes?
A little duck walks into a bar one day. He saunters up to the
bartender and asks, "Got any gwapes?"
"Nope, sorry," says the bartender. The duck walks out,
disappointed.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks, "Got
any gwapes?"
"I already told you, no, I don't!" says the bartender angrily.
The duck leaves, again disappointed.
The day after that, the duck walks in again and says, "Got any
gwapes?"
"No! I do not have any grapes! If you come in here one more time
asking for grapes I'll nail your feet to the floor!"
The next day, the duck waddles into the bar. The bartender eyes
him suspiciously. "Got any nails?" the duck asks.
"No, why?" the bartender asks.
"Got any gwapes?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes only one, but he has to give it a good twist.
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
DEATH BED
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."
Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."
They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."
Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."
Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
SOME THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
--Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what's this?
--Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
--Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
--Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
--Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
--What's this doing here?
--I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
--Somebody call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.
--I sure wish I had my glasses.
--Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
--Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
--Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean enough.
--What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
--Anyone see where I left my scalpel?
--Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
--What do you mean you want a divorce?!
------------------------------------------------------
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
GOING TO SINGAPORE
One day Anil and Sunil decided to fly to Singapore, but all the good window seats were taken. When they got on board the plane, they found two blondes sitting in window seats. Sunil asked the blondes if they could switch seats, but the blondes declined.
"Watch this," says Anil, and he walks up to the blondes and whispers in their ears. Immediately the blondes get up and sit in middle seats.
"What did you tell them?" Sunil asks Anil.
"It was simple," says Anil. "I just told them only the middle seats were going to Singapore."
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
TRUE STORY
In 1963 John Kennedy electrified the whole of Germany when, in his historic speech at the Berlin wall, he proclaimed, "Ich bin ein Berliner."
He was showing solidarity with the German people who were divided, in the very heart of Berlin, by the wall built by the Communists.
What JFK meant to say is, "I am a Berliner." Or, in other words, a citizen of Berlin.
What the actual translation of this line, that he delivered in front of tens of thousands of Germans, is, "I am a jelly donut."
The huge crowd, after a second of shock, instinctively knew what he meant and gave him a deafening cheer anyway.
Those goofy Americans. Don't have the first clue, but they seem to mean well.
----------------------------------------------------------------
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem
of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniver-
sary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that
florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to
his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed,
"Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all
went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came
home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers,
honey. Where'd you get them?"
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had
been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow
their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that
for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've
never heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"
____________________________________________________________
A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the
day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.
"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that
a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and
have them clipped in the evening."
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case
which read, "Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was
flustered and at her wit's end.
At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened
up as she typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods."
____________________________________________________________
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. "Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
SNAKE MANUAL
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda.
Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said:
1.If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2.Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3.Tuck your chin in.
4.The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5.Do not panic.
6.After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7.The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8.When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9.Be sure you have your knife.
10.Be sure your knife is sharp.
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
NEGOTIATOR
A big time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."
"Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and equally expensive and even faster women paraded through his head. "Fish," he finally exclaimed, "give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."
"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."
The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."
"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.
Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said, "All right fish, you win, three wishes."
Unfortunately, the fish was dead.
---------------------------------------------------------
When my daughter was 5,and in Kindergarden, her and I were riding my horse together across the field when all of a sudden a Jack Rabbit popped up and took off running, and I said "Oh look",there goes a Jack rabbit and my daughter says to me, "No mama"! Thats a Brown rabbit. And I said, "no, that's a Jack rabbit, then she says to me "Mama, I know! cause I'm in school and you're not".
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
BLONDE BUSINESS
There were 4 blondes. They decided to start a business. They had a lot of discussion on the type of business and finally decided to start an autogarage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and manpower. They waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for 1 day, 2 days, a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY? - Because their garage was on the second floor.
After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a cab and began to look for passengers. They drove past round and round but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to the airport yet nobody hailed their taxi. They even drove to country, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around but alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY? - Because all the four blondes were sitting in the taxi.
Now all the 4 blondes were very disappointed with their fate and decided to push their taxi into the sea. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for a while and started to push again. The taxi just wouldn't move.
WHY? - Because 2 blondes were pushing from the front and two from behind
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
RABBIT RAISING
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits.
None could be found.
Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.
He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied, "I
am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every
damn window in this place." Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and
again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am
going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn
window in this place" Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that
he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what
he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient
said, "You will never get released with answers like that. You
have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some
advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions."
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would
do if they let him out. But this time he was ready. He said, "I
am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down."'
"Good," they said, and then what?"
He said, "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating."
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, "And then
what"? "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going
to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her
dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the
bed." "Yes?", the board said excitedly. "Then I am going to
gently remove her panties," he continued. The board members were
really getting excited now and asked, "Then what are you going to
do?"
He said, "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties,
make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn
window in this place!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked
her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit.
However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her
dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters
worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought
to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm
not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license
dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side
right behind hercar. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly
rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew
she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and
spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head,
meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing
sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that
your horn is stuck."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What Am I
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop
them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before
the eleven o'clock service.
One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the
small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments.
He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the
children at their story time. He said the subject was the
Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk
about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room
and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story
time after all.
He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart
and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was
to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals
and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things
that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that
they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up
in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to
the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the
shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor
said," Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to
the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a
shrug" I guess you must be a sheep dog."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
True story:
A few weeks ago I was at the train station where I had bought
myself a bottle of water a packet of biscuits and a magazine. I
went to sit down on the wooden bench on the platform to wait for
the train. While I was waiting a man sat down near me. And he
started eating my biscuits. Well I was quite disturbed about this
but wasn't sure whether to say anything to him. I then started to
get annoyed about it and decided to eat them as well. I ate one,
he ate one, I ate one and he ate one till we reached the last one
then he quickly ate it and picked up the empty packet and threw it
in the bin and walked away.
Well just at that point the train arrived on the platform so
nothing could be done about it. I picked up my bottle of water and
my magazine and there lying underneath the magazine was the packet
of biscuits I had bought.
I had been eating the man's biscuits!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Got Any Gwapes?
A little duck walks into a bar one day. He saunters up to the
bartender and asks, "Got any gwapes?"
"Nope, sorry," says the bartender. The duck walks out,
disappointed.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks, "Got
any gwapes?"
"I already told you, no, I don't!" says the bartender angrily.
The duck leaves, again disappointed.
The day after that, the duck walks in again and says, "Got any
gwapes?"
"No! I do not have any grapes! If you come in here one more time
asking for grapes I'll nail your feet to the floor!"
The next day, the duck waddles into the bar. The bartender eyes
him suspiciously. "Got any nails?" the duck asks.
"No, why?" the bartender asks.
"Got any gwapes?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes only one, but he has to give it a good twist.
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
DEATH BED
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."
Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."
They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."
Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."
Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
SOME THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
--Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what's this?
--Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
--Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
--Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
--Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
--What's this doing here?
--I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
--Somebody call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.
--I sure wish I had my glasses.
--Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
--Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
--Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean enough.
--What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
--Anyone see where I left my scalpel?
--Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
--What do you mean you want a divorce?!
------------------------------------------------------
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
"Great," Sue exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Wonderful," Mary replied. "I'll go with you."
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
GOING TO SINGAPORE
One day Anil and Sunil decided to fly to Singapore, but all the good window seats were taken. When they got on board the plane, they found two blondes sitting in window seats. Sunil asked the blondes if they could switch seats, but the blondes declined.
"Watch this," says Anil, and he walks up to the blondes and whispers in their ears. Immediately the blondes get up and sit in middle seats.
"What did you tell them?" Sunil asks Anil.
"It was simple," says Anil. "I just told them only the middle seats were going to Singapore."
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
TRUE STORY
In 1963 John Kennedy electrified the whole of Germany when, in his historic speech at the Berlin wall, he proclaimed, "Ich bin ein Berliner."
He was showing solidarity with the German people who were divided, in the very heart of Berlin, by the wall built by the Communists.
What JFK meant to say is, "I am a Berliner." Or, in other words, a citizen of Berlin.
What the actual translation of this line, that he delivered in front of tens of thousands of Germans, is, "I am a jelly donut."
The huge crowd, after a second of shock, instinctively knew what he meant and gave him a deafening cheer anyway.
Those goofy Americans. Don't have the first clue, but they seem to mean well.
----------------------------------------------------------------
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem
of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniver-
sary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that
florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to
his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed,
"Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all
went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came
home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers,
honey. Where'd you get them?"
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had
been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow
their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that
for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've
never heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"
____________________________________________________________
A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the
day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.
"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that
a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and
have them clipped in the evening."
*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case
which read, "Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was
flustered and at her wit's end.
At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened
up as she typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods."
____________________________________________________________
"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. "Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent. "Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!"
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
SNAKE MANUAL
The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda.
Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum.
This is what the manual said:
1.If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2.Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3.Tuck your chin in.
4.The snake will come and begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5.Do not panic.
6.After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet and - always from the end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7.The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8.When the snake has reached your knees slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9.Be sure you have your knife.
10.Be sure your knife is sharp.
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
NEGOTIATOR
A big time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish started writhing in agony and, to the negotiator's surprise, said, "Please throw me back into the lake and I'll grant you three wishes."
"Any three wishes, huh?" the negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and equally expensive and even faster women paraded through his head. "Fish," he finally exclaimed, "give me five wishes and I'll throw you back."
"Sorry," the fish answered while struggling for breath, "only three wishes."
The negotiator's pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced, "What do you take me for? A sucker? I'll settle for four wishes."
"Only three," the fish murmured weakly.
Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn't worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said, "All right fish, you win, three wishes."
Unfortunately, the fish was dead.
---------------------------------------------------------
When my daughter was 5,and in Kindergarden, her and I were riding my horse together across the field when all of a sudden a Jack Rabbit popped up and took off running, and I said "Oh look",there goes a Jack rabbit and my daughter says to me, "No mama"! Thats a Brown rabbit. And I said, "no, that's a Jack rabbit, then she says to me "Mama, I know! cause I'm in school and you're not".
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
BLONDE BUSINESS
There were 4 blondes. They decided to start a business. They had a lot of discussion on the type of business and finally decided to start an autogarage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and manpower. They waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for 1 day, 2 days, a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY? - Because their garage was on the second floor.
After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a cab and began to look for passengers. They drove past round and round but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to the airport yet nobody hailed their taxi. They even drove to country, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around but alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY? - Because all the four blondes were sitting in the taxi.
Now all the 4 blondes were very disappointed with their fate and decided to push their taxi into the sea. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for a while and started to push again. The taxi just wouldn't move.
WHY? - Because 2 blondes were pushing from the front and two from behind
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
RABBIT RAISING
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.
He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits.
None could be found.
Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.
He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.
The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Jokes
Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic
bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and
striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled.
"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow
with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton.
***
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout
at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the
door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling
him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over
and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next
day... they mean it!"
***
[I stole this one from TZ. Yeah, I was surprised to find some-
thing funny in his newsletter, too.]
Okay, this is pretty fun. It's one of those "draw a picture
and we'll tell you how screwed up you are" things, so don't
cheat and scroll down until you've followed the instructions.
The Pig Test
You only one minute, a pen and a sheet of paper.
1 Take a clean sheet of paper and draw a pig on it.
2 Don't look at the results before you have drawn the pig.
3 DON'T PEEK AT RESULTS BEFORE YOU HAVE FINISHED DRAWING
THE PIG!
Okay, are you ready? Oink, let's start. Scroll to the bottom
for the results.
------------------------------------------------------------
Pig Test Results
If you have drawn a lot of details you are analytical, patient
and suspicious.
If you have not wasted time on details, you are broad minded,
sentimental, even gullible, not too systematic and take a lot
of risks.
If you drew less than 4 legs you are in an insecure stage of
life, or your entire life is in constant upheaval.
If you drew 4 legs, you are self confident, stubborn and hold
on to your plans.
If you drew more than 4 legs, you are an idiot.
The size of the pigs ears tells about your ability to listen
to other people---the bigger the better...
And finally the pig's tail should tell you something about
your sex life, once again the bigger and more curled, the...
what, forgot the tail? No, it's absolutely impossible to do
the test again.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and
wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of
them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if
they wouldn't mind taking a picture of me.
"Oh, sorry," the man answered, "but we only have two pictures
left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge."
_____________________________________________________________
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved
auctions; whle his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled,
'Fore!'
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat,
yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'
***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So
I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there
that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained
professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet?"
------------------------------------------------------------
work in the Toy Department at a Walmart, and one day I was
asked to do a price check. The cashier explained to me that
a customer wanted to buy some puzzles, priced at 4 for $5.00,
but they were ringing up at $1.25 a piece. Apparently neither
the customer nor the cashier ever made it through sixth grade
math.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the
adders refused to obey God's command and go forth and
multiply.
"Well," said Noah. "I'll have to ask the Lord what to do
about that." And so he prayed to God and said, "These
snakes won't go forth and multiply"
And God said, "Don't worry. Find some the trees and saw
them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four
legs. Then put the snakes on the platform."
"But how will that help the snakes?" asked Noah.
"Easy," replied God, "Everyone knows even adders can
multiply using a log table!"
_____________________________________________________________
When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the
problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt,
decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.
Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed
a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he'd found
inside the dryer. He didn't know where it belonged, but he
confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out
once he got into the job.
"I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire
you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your
wife's bra."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Vintners in the Napa Valley who produce primarily Pinot
Blancs and Pinot Grigios have developed a new hybrid grape,
which acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number
of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during
the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.
_____________________________________________________________
My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me.
But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I
tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision.
Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything
in the store for men?"
"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
The other day while driving home, after beng delayed at my
office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for
a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home
to be with my wife on our first anniversary.
But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went
ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said,
"Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?"
_____________________________________________________________
NEW JOB
Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, how- ever, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BAD NEWS : GOOD NEWS : GREAT NEWS
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUICK JOKE
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free", here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a
little sausage.
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-
PLAYING WITH WORDS
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a_____
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UK COMMENTATORS
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a
male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage
remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each
other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some
weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do
it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance
he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice
on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice
earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner
Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest
finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony
McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between
his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil
Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v
Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you
on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix,
asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the
backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt
much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's
breath away, "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent
erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys
prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have
four or five dreams a night about coming from different
positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on
Time Team Live> said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get
it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised
me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing
so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold
Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot,
his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my
god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge
President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a
ovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New ZealandRugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it
when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning
and it was amazing!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The
old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was
very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25
between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We
had over $100 when we broke in!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Setting off the alarm while passing through a metal detector
at McCarran Intl. Airport in Las Vegas, a blonde traveler was
asked by a security agent if she had any change.
"Gee," the blonde says, turning towards her husband, I told
you we should of gone to Florida instead.....everyone here
expects to be tipped."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife
decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then
remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen.
Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.
She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps.
She realized at once that it was the milkman since the
arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen.
So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made
it just in time.
The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the
man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.
For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, "Sorry, I
was expecting the milkman."
_____________________________________________________________
NEW YORK DRIVING
Jill had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in, and told the cabbie the address she needed. The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver, and Jill sat in the backseat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Jill watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
Jill looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.
"Driver," Jill screamed, "Are you crazy? Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax, Lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close your eyes."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OFENDED
Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.
One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started "venting." "All lawyers are jerks," he loudly proclaimed.
Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him.
"Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."
"Why is that-are you a lawyer?" he asked.
"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT
to put on a resume.
* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
* "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain store."
* "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
* "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer
science, curses in accounting."
* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
* "I am a rabid typist."
* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."
* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
* "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely
nothing and absolutely no one."
* "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind
me."
* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously,
they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage."
* "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free
to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
* "Qualifications: No education or experience."
* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
* Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my
head!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the
employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to
work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.
If I was on time, I was compulsive."
_____________________________________________________________
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back
was really sore from moving furniture.
"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone
asked.
"I could have," my mother told the group," but the couch is
easier to move if he's not on it."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to
never completely disrobe in front of her husband when
retiring for decorum's sake. One night, six weeks after
the wedding, the husband said to his bride, "Is there any
insanity in your family?"
"Why, no," she said. "Why do you ask?"
"I was merely wondering," said he, "why you haven't taken
your hat off since we've been married?"
_____________________________________________________________
While in the Navy my primary duty was to sight guns. Wanting
to move up in the military, I went to law school and applied
for the Judge Advocate General's Corps. My hopes of being a
Navy lawyer were shot down, however, when I was rejected. It
seems I suffered from poor vision.
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store.
On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with
the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern
to him about our safety, being two women working alone at
night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you
see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan
knows karaoke."
_____________________________________________________________
DINING OUT
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MLM FAQ
The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
Let's begin:
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners. --Join every free banner exchange. --Get your own free-for-all links page. --Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title. --Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites. --Hire a bulk emailer. --Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and
striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled.
"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow
with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton.
***
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout
at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the
door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling
him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over
and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next
day... they mean it!"
***
[I stole this one from TZ. Yeah, I was surprised to find some-
thing funny in his newsletter, too.]
Okay, this is pretty fun. It's one of those "draw a picture
and we'll tell you how screwed up you are" things, so don't
cheat and scroll down until you've followed the instructions.
The Pig Test
You only one minute, a pen and a sheet of paper.
1 Take a clean sheet of paper and draw a pig on it.
2 Don't look at the results before you have drawn the pig.
3 DON'T PEEK AT RESULTS BEFORE YOU HAVE FINISHED DRAWING
THE PIG!
Okay, are you ready? Oink, let's start. Scroll to the bottom
for the results.
------------------------------------------------------------
Pig Test Results
If you have drawn a lot of details you are analytical, patient
and suspicious.
If you have not wasted time on details, you are broad minded,
sentimental, even gullible, not too systematic and take a lot
of risks.
If you drew less than 4 legs you are in an insecure stage of
life, or your entire life is in constant upheaval.
If you drew 4 legs, you are self confident, stubborn and hold
on to your plans.
If you drew more than 4 legs, you are an idiot.
The size of the pigs ears tells about your ability to listen
to other people---the bigger the better...
And finally the pig's tail should tell you something about
your sex life, once again the bigger and more curled, the...
what, forgot the tail? No, it's absolutely impossible to do
the test again.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
While on a ski trip in Wyoming, I encountered a husband and
wife on the slopes who asked me if I would take a picture of
them. I said I would be happy to, and I did. Then I asked if
they wouldn't mind taking a picture of me.
"Oh, sorry," the man answered, "but we only have two pictures
left, and we wanted to take some pictures of the lodge."
_____________________________________________________________
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved
auctions; whle his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled,
'Fore!'
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat,
yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'
***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So
I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there
that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained
professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet?"
------------------------------------------------------------
work in the Toy Department at a Walmart, and one day I was
asked to do a price check. The cashier explained to me that
a customer wanted to buy some puzzles, priced at 4 for $5.00,
but they were ringing up at $1.25 a piece. Apparently neither
the customer nor the cashier ever made it through sixth grade
math.
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the
adders refused to obey God's command and go forth and
multiply.
"Well," said Noah. "I'll have to ask the Lord what to do
about that." And so he prayed to God and said, "These
snakes won't go forth and multiply"
And God said, "Don't worry. Find some the trees and saw
them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four
legs. Then put the snakes on the platform."
"But how will that help the snakes?" asked Noah.
"Easy," replied God, "Everyone knows even adders can
multiply using a log table!"
_____________________________________________________________
When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the
problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt,
decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.
Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed
a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he'd found
inside the dryer. He didn't know where it belonged, but he
confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out
once he got into the job.
"I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire
you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your
wife's bra."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Vintners in the Napa Valley who produce primarily Pinot
Blancs and Pinot Grigios have developed a new hybrid grape,
which acts as an anti-diuretic and will reduce the number
of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during
the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.
_____________________________________________________________
My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me.
But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I
tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision.
Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything
in the store for men?"
"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
The other day while driving home, after beng delayed at my
office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.
The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for
a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home
to be with my wife on our first anniversary.
But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went
ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said,
"Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?"
_____________________________________________________________
NEW JOB
Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, how- ever, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BAD NEWS : GOOD NEWS : GREAT NEWS
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUICK JOKE
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free", here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?
Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a
little sausage.
^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-
PLAYING WITH WORDS
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a_____
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UK COMMENTATORS
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a
male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage
remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each
other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some
weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do
it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance
he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice
on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice
earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner
Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest
finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony
McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between
his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil
Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v
Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you
on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix,
asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the
backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt
much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's
breath away, "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent
erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys
prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have
four or five dreams a night about coming from different
positions."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on
Time Team Live> said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get
it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised
me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too, because they were laughing
so hard!
US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold
Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot,
his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my
god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
- "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge
President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a
ovely horse. I once rode her mother."
New ZealandRugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it
when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning
and it was amazing!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The
old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was
very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25
between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We
had over $100 when we broke in!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Setting off the alarm while passing through a metal detector
at McCarran Intl. Airport in Las Vegas, a blonde traveler was
asked by a security agent if she had any change.
"Gee," the blonde says, turning towards her husband, I told
you we should of gone to Florida instead.....everyone here
expects to be tipped."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife
decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then
remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen.
Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.
She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps.
She realized at once that it was the milkman since the
arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen.
So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made
it just in time.
The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the
man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.
For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, "Sorry, I
was expecting the milkman."
_____________________________________________________________
NEW YORK DRIVING
Jill had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in, and told the cabbie the address she needed. The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver, and Jill sat in the backseat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Jill watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
Jill looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.
"Driver," Jill screamed, "Are you crazy? Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax, Lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close your eyes."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OFENDED
Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with lawyers in general.
One evening in a bar, the conversation got around to his pet peeve and he started "venting." "All lawyers are jerks," he loudly proclaimed.
Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him.
"Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."
"Why is that-are you a lawyer?" he asked.
"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT
to put on a resume.
* "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
* "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain store."
* "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
* "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer
science, curses in accounting."
* "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
* "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
horse."
* "I am a rabid typist."
* "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."
* "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
* "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely
nothing and absolutely no one."
* "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind
me."
* "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously,
they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
* "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage."
* "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
* "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free
to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail."
* "Qualifications: No education or experience."
* "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
* Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my
head!"
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the
employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to
work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.
If I was on time, I was compulsive."
_____________________________________________________________
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back
was really sore from moving furniture.
"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone
asked.
"I could have," my mother told the group," but the couch is
easier to move if he's not on it."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
The bride-to-be was advised by the marriage counselor to
never completely disrobe in front of her husband when
retiring for decorum's sake. One night, six weeks after
the wedding, the husband said to his bride, "Is there any
insanity in your family?"
"Why, no," she said. "Why do you ask?"
"I was merely wondering," said he, "why you haven't taken
your hat off since we've been married?"
_____________________________________________________________
While in the Navy my primary duty was to sight guns. Wanting
to move up in the military, I went to law school and applied
for the Judge Advocate General's Corps. My hopes of being a
Navy lawyer were shot down, however, when I was rejected. It
seems I suffered from poor vision.
[Reader's Digest.]
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store.
On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with
the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern
to him about our safety, being two women working alone at
night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you
see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan
knows karaoke."
_____________________________________________________________
DINING OUT
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
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MLM FAQ
The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
Let's begin:
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here's a list of suggestions:
--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners. --Join every free banner exchange. --Get your own free-for-all links page. --Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title. --Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites. --Hire a bulk emailer. --Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?
A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
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